Archive for Rigamarole
January 16, 2002 at 3:02 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
It’s so weird when you listen to a song and it suddenly echos all the thoughts that have been going through your head. My roommate was playing this and I suddenly caught wind of the words — they just made me feel good somehow… Like somebody in the world feels the same I do for one moment.
It’s the same feeling as when you confide in someone, and they understand you.
Everything’s so blurry
and everyone’s so fake
and everybody’s so empty
and everything is so messed up
Read the rest of this entry »
January 14, 2002 at 6:51 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
It’s a plague, I tell you! — I think it’s called freshman depression. I suddenly get this feeling that I live breathe and swim constantly in a never ending sea of school. I want to get away for a week and feel for once that I’m not at school. Feel like school isn’t following me wherever I go. >_
I feel stifled.
January 13, 2002 at 11:41 am · Filed under Rigamarole
After a harrowing week without my car, my brother finally brought it back to me, all fixed up again and ready to go. As I stuck my key into the ignition and twisted it in that oh-so-familiar way, I felt freedom seeping back into my veins. I can finally go places without asking people!
—
Everything has been completely exhausting this week — I can’t understand how people were able to go to all the frat parties and things. I can’t even stay up past 2 AM sometimes. Bleh-ness! Yeah, I know, life sucks for me, huh. I’m a privilidged college student in a yuppy town who’s too tired to go to frat parties. Oh darn.
Unless you couldn’t tell — that was sarcasm.
—
So, I’ve gotten two entries in the notebook that I carry around. I’ll post the first entries just to show you the stupid crap that goes through my mind:
Episode #1: A man walks by whistling “isn’t it romantic”, bringing back memories of ‘Sabrina’ the Audrey Hepburn movie.
Episode #2: People easily annoyed by others stupidities are often blind to their own shortcomings.
More to come. 
January 10, 2002 at 8:57 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
it seems the best way to keep my hits at a steady pace is to not give a shit about whether or not people are coming and to just write whenevers. haha. who knew? i feel bad not updating sometimes, though, just so drained lately to do anything about it.
i’ve taken to carrying a notebook with me wherever i go again. it reminds me of the old days with my falling-apart HOT planner jotting down all the random shit that came into my mind. i missed it a lot. anyhow — too many people here right now to go on. bleh.
January 9, 2002 at 11:27 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I’ve been receiving some rather caustic reviews lately, and I’ve decided to answer them.
From DJ Jeff Yen
“How come every DJ hates you?”
Actually, not every DJ hates me. In fact, I only know of one ‘DJ’ who hates me and that would be ‘Sonicat’. Well, perhaps two now, since you’re labeled as a DJ as well.
“Maybe you need to chill?”
Alright, here’s the deal: One, you don’t have your facts straight. Two, you don’t even know me. You’ve never even talked to me and you’re already giving me advice on how I should interact with other people? The things I write here aren’t one dimensional. There’s more behind what I’m writing than what you see — Maybe it’s because you don’t have a blog and you can’t understand that, but please, give me my space.
—-
From Sonicat
Don’t you care that people get pissed off at you enough to tell you you’re a bad person?
Alright. First of all, that person never called me a bad person. He simply said that I wasn’t a good person to talk to. You twist my words around in a way that doesn’t even make sense, and you expect me to take you seriously? You should think a little more before you criticize me.
It doesn’t bother you at all that so many people ‘annoy’ you much that you can just say fuck’em?
The said person in the last post was one of the 15 RANDOM people [people that I’ve never talked to or met in my LIFE] who IMed me within the first two minutes of signing onto an old AIM account. I think I have every right to say ‘fuckem’ — I was in a bad mood in the first place and switching to that name so that I could chat without interruptions. — I don’t feel any remorse brushing people off people who IM me with “Who are you” and “A/S/L”.
Additionally:
All those other things you wrote about me: That only applies to you, specifically. I’m not always annoyed at people in general, [although this sometimes happens], but I’m almost always annoyed with you. You and I are not on the same wavelength. I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to grasp, but I really really can’t stand talking to you. You’re a nice person, and I’m sure you can find many friends. I just can’t ever see myself being one of them.
January 7, 2002 at 11:57 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
extreme annoyance follows me like a fog. i don’t hesitate to release my anger. someone said today that i’m not a nice person to talk to. some random kid that IMed me from out of nowhere for no reason. hah. its his bad luck for trying to talk to me at the wrong time. i dislike those people. i dislike them greatly.
i’m annoyed at just about everything lately, actually. i think i’m going to go to sleep. it’s nice to have my computer back.
January 3, 2002 at 8:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I apologize for the long time without posts. I just haven’t been feeling very inspired lately. Actually, no. I have been feeling inspired — I just haven’t had computer (or even paper) access at the times when I actually am inspired enough to write something.
Bouts of depression have been hitting me the last few days. Maybe it’s all a part of that revertion back into my old self — I was rather severely depressed at certain points in time back in the day…. Or maybe it’s a new type of depression. I really can’t tell yet. Regardless, I feel saddened: and for reasons that I can’t pinpoint at all.
I’ve come to some epiphanies about the people whom I surround myself with as well. Too much time to ponder, perhaps… Driving too much [especially under certain conditions] tends to do that to me.
December 27, 2001 at 12:18 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
“Stay away from me, I’m bad news.”
I seem to utter those words a lot lately. Why? Is it because I want assurance that whatever I should do, my actions could be justified by a simple, “See? I told you so.” — I’m not a little child. I know my actions and the probable consequences that cant be rendered from my courses of action. I’ve known since I was a child.
Why, then, am I always shocked when the situation plays itself out the way I already knew it would, whether good or bad? Why, then, do I act dumb to my very own thoughts, my very own emotions which I’ve always explored well? Am I truly that messed up in the head that a part of me wants to mess things up? Or can I really not stop myself?
Self-control. That is something nobody has ever taught me. As a child, I had an unnatural amount of self-control. To the point where my parents still tell stories about it and some who took care of me were spooked at how little I played around with things. Perhaps now, I’m making up for all that kicking, crying and fickleness by being the uncontrollable monster I am today.
I feel myself giving into my own whims. I watch the walls within myself collapse as I fall more and more deeply into what is deemed sin and vice. “I can’t help myself!” I always exclaim, my eyes wide. Oh, but I can. . . I just choose not to. I rarely forget, but it’s such a convienience to say that I have. It makes things easier, more entertaining.
Because I proclaim a lack of self-control from the beginning, because I know I will break the conventions of right and wrong from the very start, does it justify my actions anymore than it would if I never new? Would my actions be more right if I truly did NOT know? If I were blind to the fact that I make bad choices, would the choices then be bad at all? Or does the fact that I do know that i make bad choices, yet still make them for myself make it more justifiable? I’ve taken both routes, and I don’t think bad choices should ever be justified at all.
But I do it anyway. I play the dummy, or I issue the warning — the red flag of sorts — so that I can be spared from the feelings of ill will and gain the better hand in a situation.
Sometimes I don’t know the answers to my questions and I never want to know. The questions come and the infinite amount of answers are always possibilities, but never the truth but in perhaps one or two situations. To let things simply take their own course is too simple. That never happens. It’s nice to think about it, though, I suppose. It’s better to think of the past, though, and not the maybe’s. that way, perhaps I won’t make the same mistakes twice.
Hah. Imagine that, learning from mistakes. What a concept.
December 26, 2001 at 10:25 am · Filed under Rigamarole
on those nights that i planned my death, the nights that i thought that i would never again see another day, i try to remember the thoughts and things that ran through my mind as i planned my last breath. but once did i ever write in my journal, and though it was by far the most dramatic time that i attempted to do so, it was definately not the time during which i came the closest. i can’t remember what went through my mind at all. i simply remember feeling cold… i always felt tired — emotionally tired. weak, so weak. and angry. angry at my life, angry at what i was going through, angry at all the shit that had to happen to me. you see, back then i wasn’t yet able to block out the bad memories: they were too fresh, and too new. now, as i’m revisited with the pain, i can still feel the shadows of those feelings rushing over me whenever i talk about them. i don’t feel the pain acutely, as i do with all other feelings of the past, strangely. i don’t think i would be able to handle it. i highly dislike family time; it reminds me all too clearly about the past.
December 24, 2001 at 12:29 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
The entries that I spend time thinking about prior to writing always seem to be the ones that I find more inspiring to myself later on. This is true for both my online and paper journals. It’s hard to tell whether this is because I have a truer memory of them because of the time spent, or whether it is because these special entries are entries that are more interesting to me, I have no clue.
My writing style changes drastically, pen versus keyboard. Sadly, though the conventions of writing with pen to paper leaves no room for backspace, no way to easily erase mistakes, no way to reword things, I write more clearly, more concisely when I write with pen and paper. Perhaps I take the easy-to-fix features of a computer-typed entry too much for granted and in turn my writing becomes a shoddy piece of crap that even I cringe to read.
Inspiration strikes me infrequently, but I think that when it does, I will have pen and paper at hand so that I can jot down the shit that I need to express.
—
Christmas is here once again and as I re-read my past entries at this time, I feel a certain nostalgia. I feel the exact feelings to the very most minor details of what I felt when I was writing those entries. My own words transport me back in time. Lo and behold, I’ve created my own time machine. Ha.
I’m considering halucegenic drugs. Not simply because of my lack of inspiration, but because of a dire curiosity of how deeply I can go into my mind and still be the same. Am I the same through and through ? Have I discovered all of myself? What of me is still hidden, still hiding?
I want to know. So curious.
—
What is it like to fall in love? I thought that I knew that feeling before. Each time the feeling is distinctly different and distinctly sweet in a different way. I wonder if it was love, or only a shadow of love that I caught a brief glimpse of only to have it fly by me, brushing me like the wings of a butterfly. Full of warmth and happiness.
I don’t know. I want to know. I’m curious.
—
I’m just a curious girl lately, I suppose. A nice person has gotten me interested in the general ideas of quantum physics. I shy away from anything labelled with the word ‘physics’, but the concepts are truly interesting. Maybe I’ll look up ‘Quantum Physics for Dummies’. It really reminds me of the concepts of buddhism.
It’s funny, though, how lately my mother has been trying to preach to me lessons about buddhism that I’ve always inherantly known about reality. It’s even funnier how she can’t understand where I learned it from. At least we have a better understanding about each other now. The other day she said this to me:
“The only reason that you’ve ever suffered is because of me, then. I’m the one that makes you suffer because I don’t want you to suffer. You’ve never had worries except for the ones I placed upon you! Why is it that I never saw this before?”
Sadly, she still can’t break free of old habits and she still makes me suffer. At least she knows that she’s the only one that’s making me feel bad. fuck.
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